As the world is crumbling around us, I’m trying to make sense of it all. I’m having a hard time, as a good bit of us are. The tears are flowing on a regular basis.

I’m talking to the pastor at church. She has been a great source of comfort to me.

I’m weary of becoming too close to the people in my Facebook cancer group and the reason is this: It’s very difficult watching some of my new friends die. I know that death is a part of life, and it’s inevitable, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have and I wish to save the world.  

There is a silver lining, here. Her name is Christine and she’s a counselor with Our Clubhouse. You will see that I speak of Our Clubhouse quite frequently and you will also find out the WHY behind it.  

I have never been a fan of putting people on pedestals. It’s never been my thing, BUT….I went into survival mode after I was given my own death sentence and unless you’ve ever been told that you may have 6 months or a year to live, you probably will not understand my belated grief. Four years ago, I had no time to think about the grieving process because I was just trying to survive. Now that things are looking up, I have time to reflect on what’s happened over the last few years and I’m dealing with some gut wrenching feelings for the first time. Place this on top of what’s going on in our country and the world, right now, and I’m struggling.  

This is where Christine comes in. She has actually been part of my life for the last few years, but we talk on a regular basis, now. Every Tuesday, at noon, my phone rings. “It’s Christine, yay!!” Sometimes we Zoom, sometimes we don’t. This week, I’m going to ask her when I can see her in person, so I can giver her a big hug. Would I have made it through these last several weeks without her? Probably, but would I have been able to focus as well, or get dressed? I don’t ever want to find out.  

YES, life has gotten that difficult for me. I don’t know how Christine does it, day in and day out. Speaking with caregivers and folks that are in their last few months. I’m sure she’s dealing with a variety of situations that would boggle the mind. On some days the Clubhouse is my lifeline to sanity. There are a few other main players that are on my mind, but unless I can mention each and every one of you, I will just say – THANK YOU and until next week, K xo  

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