My friends mean the world to me. Having said this, I am only human. I haven’t always done “The Next Right Thing”. Let’s go back in time to August of 2015 –
Kelly – This Is Your Life….
Two of my besties came to see me one day. I would have brushed my hair or, at least, gargled some mouthwash if only I’d known they would soon be in my doorway. Scott seemed to think that it would do some good to have Erika and Kathy make a surprise visit. The women walked in and immediately they both knew that I was not in the right frame of mind for them. In Kathy’s hand was an envelope with what appeared to be a card in it and some sort of coin. She handed me the card first and when I opened it, I saw that it had been signed by some mutual friends. I read the coin and it said, “May Faith Light Your Path” and on the other side, “Be Faithful”. I was so incensed by the fact that I didn’t know they were coming. I shot each of them a look as if to say, “Why are you here?” The truth was that I was jealous. I wanted to be able to leave with them, but I couldn’t. Kathy asked, “How are you?” I believe she already knew the answer, but I wrote on my dry erase board- The Right Hand Man – “Not good. It’s a bad day.” I wouldn’t even look at them. Each of my friends attempted to converse? Chew the fat? Quite honestly it only reminded me of Mick Jagger singing, “All this chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter.” Despite my mates best intentions, the ladies didn’t stay long. Poor Erika looked like she had just seem a ghost. A few minutes later , Kathy said, “Okay Kelly, we’re going. We love you.” As they were leaving, I did a fastball pitch of the coin and the card. Across the room they sailed. Out of the corner of her eye, Erika saw what I did as she picked up her pace.
As soon as the two were gone, my heart sank to the floor. I could feel the tears welling up. I began to sob inconsolable tears. The remorse was overwhelming. I had no choice, in this particular situation, but to make amends via text messages. The fact of the matter was that I was becoming less and less interested in the drop by. I deserved a proper warning so that I would be mentally ready. I would not allow my mind or body to relax with uninvited guests. Even the few that made an appointment could be a drag. Kathy would say, “You can sleep while I’m sitting with you.” I took a hard pass on that one. Would you sleep with another human in the room staring at you? The truth was, though, I had no regard for her feelings or anyone else’s. Scott was a different story. I did not want to alienate him in any way. He was working tirelessly on my behalf with everything from making sure my bills were paid, to calling my employer and giving them updates, etc. Some nights he would get in bed with me and fall asleep while the television was on in the background. I could see the exhaustion. Physical? Mental? Spiritual? All of the above? The creases and lines were setting up residence.
The Blame Game….
Scott beat himself up over sending Kathy and Erika to visit. He sounded emotionally drained when he declared, “I just thought it would help.” I was equally drained in that I was connected to more apparatus than the eye could see and sleeping was a dreadful experience by this point. I tossed and turned during the night and nodded off throughout the day. The luggage underneath my eyes was a clear sign that I was having a rough go of things. What I really needed was an ear to bend that didn’t have such a vested interest in me. A third party, if you will. I did not want my mother to see the despair in my eyes. I was fearful that Scott was cracking under the pressure and certainly didn’t need one more responsibility. I did not want him to know that I couldn’t see beyond my daily reality. Doctors upon doctors were coming in to see me, but they certainly did not want to hear about the emotions that I had locked so deep inside of me that nobody would be able to find them. Least of all me. But the dynamic of this whole situation would soon be changing, again, but for today – Pray to my higher power and turn it over – If there is footwork to be done – do it. If there is nothing more that I can do – Leave it in the hands of my Almighty God – Amen….